starting to feel more like myself again. Lana’s been on repeat lately.

I’ve been writing. thinking. reading. creating.

I am conflicted. I don’t know if I want to stay here or go to California or get a real job at a publication or keep freelancing.

I am in the works in finding a place by the ocean and getting away for awhile so I can finally sit down and write my life story. It’s something I’ve wanted to do for a long time and contemplated on how to share it the best way possible. I just need to be in the most comfortable and peaceful setting possible as well.

I really want to write more stories about the environment and animals so that’s on my research list.

Mercury is currently in retrograde so it’s going to be a lot of me time for the next couple weeks.

I have been writing a lot of poetry, surprisingly, and think I have enough to start it’s own Instagram, but I need to brainstorm a name for it.

I read somewhere that you should create from pain, and while I’ve been scared to accept that, I read something else that I’ll leave you with:

I hate goodbyes.

when I heard news of my friend Kate’s health, my heart shattered. she had been in the ICU for the past three weeks and the prognosis was not in her odds. her liver had failed, as well as her kidneys. she had bacterial pneumonia in her lungs.ย  her blood was septic. on Monday, it was decided that she was going to have her ventilation and dialysis support removed.

I woke up Monday morning, ready to say bye. at least I thought I was ready. I saw my beautiful friend, yellowed, slipping in and out of consciousness, surrounded by tubes and machines but also by friends and family and music and love. I held tightly onto my crystal quartz and prayed into its light. “dear God, please watch over Kate.” I held her hand, I kissed her and whispered in her ear, “thank you for being my friend.” I told her I loved her. around noon, the doctors removed the ventilation machine (dialysis went away earlier that morning). I left around 1:30 because I had to go to work. they said it would take six to eight hours for her to pass. she went to heaven at 3.

I don’t have any pictures of us except for the memories in my head. we used to have long Sunday night conversations full of carne asada, red wine, and Game of Thrones with our friend Luis and his family all summer long. our friendship dwindled as we went into fall and she quit the job we worked at together. I had thought of her, yes, but I did not keep in touch with her. and by the time I found out, it was already too late.

that evening, I was lying on my couch when I felt it. the ceiling began to pulse and swirl, feeling oddly like the start of a trip, and I could sense this energy from where the ceiling and the wall met. my skin went cold, not in a bad way, but like I had walked into the most refreshing mist ever. I knew it was Kate. “be strong,” she whispered. what did she know that I didn’t?

this wasn’t the first time this had happened. the same thing happened when my grandma passed away in San Francisco. I could feel her wrap her arms around me shortly after I knew she had gone and told me she wasn’t in pain anymore (for the past eight years, half of her body was paralyzed and she was bedridden). I felt that same “cold” feeling during and after a bad car wreck when I was 17, and many years before that, felt it visit me when I was going through a very difficult time and I was alone and had no one else to turn to. it convinced me not to die.

I’ve always known that I vibe at a much higher frequency than the people that surround me. it’s brought me to the very few who think and feel like me, attracted many who sense and are drawn to it, and repulsed everyone else who didn’t understand. for years, I didn’t know how to control the vibes my energy was giving off (which was out of control and 100 percent affects the people around you) until recently, I have learned to harness it, be aware of my toxicity, and use it positively.

I felt content and at peace after her visit, even though grief is the weirdest thing. I’ve never grieved for a friend before and for me, it comes in spurts. I’ve been thinking for the past month how I wanted to share this, if I even wanted to, but it helps with the healing process, so I’m going to. thanks for being in my life, Kate. I promise to be strong.

hypomanic ๐ŸŒš

I am currently on a manic spree. mania is a side effect on the mood disorder spectrum, and it’s just a way of referring to an elevated state of energy.

since I got off work this afternoon, I cleaned my apartment, did dishes twice, did laundry, put clothes away, sold more clothes from my closet, worked out, did yoga, painted my nails.

I feel like it’s a perfect day since I got so much done, so it really doesn’t bother me, even though it sometimes keeps me up late at night. I am reading Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts, a cognitive behavioral therapy guide to help me with my low self-esteem. on the outside, it may seem like I have everything together, but on the inside, it is a daily struggle to get over the negative thoughts. I’m learning a lot though! I’ll do a write up when I’m done so I can share with you all what I’ve learned and maybe you can learn from it, too.