my mental health journey is taking a little bit longer than I expected. but it’s so typical of me to put a deadline on “getting better.” the truth is, I’m never gonna get better. the depression, the bipolarity, the maybe PTSD: I’m stuck with it forever. it’s just my choice whether I want to let it dictate my life or learn how to coexist with it.
I’ve sadly let it dictate my life and in the end, the only person I’m fooling is me. I have become this incredible pretender. someone who smiles on the outside but is plagued with racing, anxious crazy thoughts on the inside. cognitive behavioral therapy has helped in rewiring the unwanted thoughts to be just that (thoughts) but I also made two discoveries. 1. it is not my fault I have unwanted thoughts. 2. they are a culmination of my past and my mood disorder.
so going forward, I have to learn how to coexist with my very own storm cloud. when it comes back again, instead of running for cover, I must learn how to dance in the rain. and from that, I will create.
starting to feel more like myself again. Lana’s been on repeat lately.
I’ve been writing. thinking. reading. creating.
I am conflicted. I don’t know if I want to stay here or go to California or get a real job at a publication or keep freelancing.
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I am currently on a manic spree. mania is a side effect on the mood disorder spectrum, and it’s just a way of referring to an elevated state of energy.
since I got off work this afternoon, I cleaned my apartment, did dishes twice, did laundry, put clothes away, sold more clothes from my closet, worked out, did yoga, painted my nails.
I feel like it’s a perfect day since I got so much done, so it really doesn’t bother me, even though it sometimes keeps me up late at night. I am reading Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts, a cognitive behavioral therapy guide to help me with my low self-esteem. on the outside, it may seem like I have everything together, but on the inside, it is a daily struggle to get over the negative thoughts. I’m learning a lot though! I’ll do a write up when I’m done so I can share with you all what I’ve learned and maybe you can learn from it, too.
it’s one in the morning and I cannot sleep. I’ve been busy with working at the restaurant – my tips are looking up and I’m starting to recognize the familiar faces that come through the door. however, it’s so mentally taxing to be so energetic and polite on a daily basis. I really want another job, preferably using my degree.
it’s time to grow up⏳
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I must confess that my loneliness is killing me now
Don’t you know I still believe?
– Britney Spears
My favorite pop star growing up had depression. I wish I had caught it earlier. Also, this song and Britney on repeat, too.
I woke up sometime last week and decided that I was going to stop watching tv. It’s day seven of no Game of Thrones or Friends, and I’ve started to have weird dreams. They say dreams are sometimes your brain’s way of filtering out the unnecessary, so it makes sense why my dreams resemble an incomprehensible mash of The Magicians, Peaky Blinders, and Planet Earth.
The television has always been my pacifier. I’ve been addicted to it since I was a toddler, up until now. I didn’t realize how addicted I was until I realized I was willing to go to the store at the middle of the night to get batteries for my dead Roku remote. Sorry to say fellow binge-watchers, but TV is actually really bad for you. You go through a phase of real depression when a show is over, you have insomnia, you’re at higher risk of dying from an inflammatory disease. You escape your anxious reality for a brief time, sure, but still have to face it again when you tune into the real world.
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