Last night, I wrote more than I had in a long time. Last night, I wrote about something that had been bothering me for so long and it was hard. I mean literally the toughest thing I’ve had to come clean about because it was burdening me to the point I couldn’t function. I was finding myself falling back into depressive patterns – staying up all night, not being able to get out of bed, extreme irritability, crying – the works. (Thank God for my husband, who helps me the best he can). Working out and drinking water and yoga weren’t helping. So last night I finally let it all out and today, I feel a bit better but so much lighter.
Now, what did I write about, you’re thinking. Unfortunately, you will (probably) never know. A couple reasons why: As I go forward in my writing journey, I’ve been told to keep a personal journal that nobody ever reads. Now being a journalist, I want to see things be published. But as I wrote I realized there were several things in there that could damage multiple people’s lives and reputations. I reached out to a former teacher/author and asked her what were the guidelines when it came to sharing. She said I should never share something that attacks someone. What I wrote is borderline and possibly when I’m more comfortable with it, I’ll share, but she said to do it in a way that others could relate and learn from it too. So that’s where I am.
I have been applying for new jobs in the city that will hopefully get me off the floor (can you tell I’ve been at the restaurant lately?) I’ll miss it but rent’s not cheap, I’m in debt (admitting that is somewhat self-relieving), and if I am heading toward a “low,” dealing with a stressful job probably doesn’t help even though I do enjoy it. Lately I’ve been more tired and anxious before shifts and I think its just time to stop and focus on what will benefit my mental health more. I’ve been so busy that nurturing my well being has been on the back burner when it should be on the front, always. Not that I haven’t tried. Colorado’s been so therapeutic for me in more ways then better pot. The air, the weather, the trails, the views, the overall progressive mindset everyone has has really helped. Getting away from people whose only intent are to gossip about me and takes stabs at me feels like the best breath of fresh air, too. Which leads to my next point.
I watched a Facebook video about how to deal with ambivalent friends. Apparently they are more detrimental than toxic friends because you don’t know where you stand with them. Here’s the video, please watch if you have a second.
So thankfully I don’t have friendships with people like that now, but I have before. And breaking up with them are almost harder than breaking up with your boyfriend because its usually with someone you’ve known for years and you thought you’d always be friends with them. But things don’t last forever, and that’s okay. Their role in your life has ended and stringing it out is unnecessary. Ugh now that’s two stories I have to play with to make it “shareable” because you’re probably wondering what happened.
But fear thee not, readers. Eventually I will reach that point where people can make a discovery in my stories and hopefully no one will get hurt. So I will leave you with this to live by, as it has helped me.