the toxicity

I hate sharing things about myself because people have had the automatic response to call me crazy but story time.

I am two months into this “freelance thing” now, and I have been writing but every time I think about starting a story or writing up a pitch, I have been greeted by crippling anxiety (on top of decompressing after a stressful few months).

If you didn’t know: During wedding planning, we have also had to move apartments (still in Jefferson Park). I lost my wedding dress (more on that in a future post). And I am currently just working at OG (back to square one).

What does my crippling anxiety look like? No sleep because I’m up going over every detail of everything. It was to the point where I hated my wedding day because of all the things that could have been done better (on a good day, I don’t and I loved all of it). Where I keep making insane to-do lists then stressing over the overwhelming length of it. When, even though I have worked so hard and succeeded in writing, I am still terrified of failure and rejection and humiliation and just completely talk myself out of it.

I have been doing things to somewhat help: Drink more water, do more yoga, sleep 8 hours, cook, watch cartoons and shows that I love. But it’s taken me two weeks to get out of this rut and I hate feeling why I have to explain why I haven’t been productive (so here we are). I’m hoping I get better because I have so many ideas I want to start working on. But until then, it’s a mental health day(s) for me.

One Comment

  1. “When, even though I have worked so hard and succeeded in writing, I am still terrified of failure and rejection and humiliation and just completely talk myself out of it.” That line resonates so deep. I look up to you and admire you so much. I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t doubt yourself. Also, mental health days are important. Take as many as you need!

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