the lump

I noticed the gulp in my throat when I was around 8. I think I felt a lot of things you just shouldn’t when you’re in elementary school. I have always been sensitive to the world around me even though it wasn’t always kind.

I, for a long time, thought there was a lump halfway down my esophagus right before my heart. It would weigh me down and every time I was affected, it would press harder. It would literally suffocate my heart. And looking back now, realize this was the start of my depression. I internalized everything wrong that happened to me to the point I couldn’t feel that lump. It was numb.

Another thing to point out when you have depression is the incessant crying. No, not crying over animals but crying when people said anything mean or hurtful to me which was unfortunately a lot during all my years at school, quiet nerd, cheerleader or not. You can’t stop crying, obsessing over things that happen, you stay up all night and you just question all the what ifs and live in the moments that don’t exist.

Nevertheless, I’ve gotten better. Stronger. Rational. Does this mean I’ve grown up? Because sometimes I still get sad. And not sad in an entitled way. But sad to the point you can’t move, sleep, whisper.

I am special though because I have bipolar disorder. If you haven’t noticed, I switch waves in a snap. But like I said I am getting better. I’m doing things that make me happy. I’ve removed all the negatives in my life and I’ve literally never felt better. Occasionally the world still makes me sad but I don’t feel as attacked anymore. But are there people like me? So sad then they get mad then worse, they just don’t care anymore?

I have found the more I be myself, travel, write, take care of my wellbeing, speak to my family and friends, I forget about the gulp. But I’m never forgetful for long.

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